What it's Like Taking Psychiatric Medications

The idea of having to take a pill everyday for the rest of your life can really be a hard pill to swallow. (Pun intended.) The first medication that was prescribed to me was an SSRI, and it was intended to relieve some of my anxiety. I went to my general practitioner for a regular physical and ended up discussing my test anxiety and how the general stress of school was becoming difficult to handle. She said medication would help, and it could just be temporary. It helped a little, so I took it somewhat consistently for about a year until I lost my insurance, and then I just carried on for a while with the symptoms I was having. It wasn't until I found myself at the County Behavioral Health Unit after just having a full manic episode that I was prescribed more medication, but this time I was told it wouldn't be temporary.

It's hard to hear that you will need medication for the rest of your life to stay healthy. The questions start flooding in; What does it mean about me that I need constant medication for my brain to work properly? Are these medications even healthy for me? This is a particularly troubling one for me since one of my symptoms is a delusion that my medications are poisonous. I've been told over and over to compare my situation do Diabetics' who simply need insulin to be healthy or to people with high blood pressure who need to take regular blood pressure medicine to be well, but I think it would be hard to be in one of these situations as well. Taking medication every day changes your life, not to sound too dramatic.

Taking daily medications depends on strict scheduling. Between the frequent doctors appointments, the occasional to frequent blood work, and the actual scheduling of taking the meds, there's a lot to keep track of. I currently take five different medications, requiring a dose of something to be taken at four separate times throughout the day, combining to a total of nine pills each day. I miss my afternoon doses the most often because I find myself out in the afternoon unexpectedly. I have one that I take with dinner, and it must be consumed with at least 500 calories, so I have to remember to bring it if I'm eating out of the house. My morning and bedtime medications aren't as difficult to remember, but I still don't always like taking them.

Beyond the fact that I have to remember all of them, psychiatric medications come with a lot of side effects. I took one that caused tremors and one to help with those tremors but was bad for my asthma. I took another that caused stiffness in my hands and neck, and I was given something to help with that side effect, but it caused blurry vision. Almost everything I've taken causes drowsiness to some degree, and I take one now that causes quite a bit of nausea. There's a lot to weigh with your doctor when deciding what to take based on the risks and benefits of certain medications. More than once I've stopped taking my medications because of the side effects, and that always turns out badly.

The last thing I want to talk about regarding medications is the stigma. Like I mentioned earlier, taking a psychiatric medication should be exactly the same as taking a blood pressure medication, but it's not, and that's because of the stigma. I often wonder if the person working at the pharmacy knows what my medications are for and are judging me for it. I would never have this fear if I were picking up flu medicine. I sometimes leave the pharmacy with up to five bags of prescriptions, and, feeling embarrassed, I quickly shove them all into my purse so people around me don't wonder what they're all for. I fear that people around me will ask what my medications are for if they see me taking them, or that my landlords will see all of my pill bottles in the recycling and look up the drug names. I aim to be an advocate for mental illness, to fight the stigma, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me.

Taking medications every day is hard, but I know that they keep me well. My doctor habitually tells be about all of the benefits of my medications, and she explains that they protect my brain. Psychosis can cause brain damage, and medications prevent that. I always listen to her and feel better temporarily, but there are definitely days that I let my fears and challenges surrounding the medications take over what I know if best for me. I'm learning to forgive myself for having these days.