Was my overdose really a suicide attempt?

After my fourth hospitalization in November of 2021, I went home and read through my discharge paperwork. It was almost paralyzing when I read, “Reason For Admission: Suicide Attempt.” I read it over, and then again, questioning whether or not this was accurate. During all of the conversations with my doctor and nurses, we talked about my chronic suicidality, but we never discussed that I now had a suicide attempt on my record. It didn’t feel right, but I couldn’t really argue against it, I had tried to overdose on a medication, and it could have killed me.

By that November, I had been experiencing severe suicidal ideation for a few months. I had been hospitalized the month prior for dealing with aggressive command hallucinations, my school work was piling up, the pressure was high, and I didn’t know how to cope. Suicide seemed like the best option for me, and I was extremely tempted to act on it. So, the morning after yet another night without sleep, I felt desperate. I had a medication handy that helped with sleep, which is all I wanted to do. With no one home to stop me, I took seven times what I was prescribed of this medication so I could sleep through the day, long and hard. I knew it was dangerous to take more than my doctor’s approved dose, but I didn’t care. I wanted to sleep and maybe not wake up. Does this count as a suicide attempt? I guess maybe. I have a tendency to hoard pills, though, so I could have taken more, but I didn’t.

After I woke up from my overdose, I called a friend to drive me to the emergency room where I went through the usual process. This time there were more tests to make sure I was physically okay, but for the most part it was the same as other times I had gone in. I eventually made it to the same hospital I had been to before, so things were familiar. While I was there I had time to rest, to read, and to think. Did I still want to die? Yeah. Did I regret overdosing? No. Some days I wished the pills had killed me, some days I was indifferent.

Attempting suicide is confusing, and I’m left feeling like I didn’t even do it right. Is it normal to recover from this experience not knowing what I had meant to do? I’m doing a bit better now, but looking back on this event is still tough. I have a lot of questions, but who can I act about this kind of stuff? I guess my plan for now is to focus on my recovery and hope that I am never in that situation again, because I think it will take me a while to to sort out how I feel about it.