Realizing Other People Aren't Suicidal

A little over a year ago, I was hospitalized for making a serious plan to end my life. It made enough sense to me at the time that I was placed on a hold in order to keep me safe from myself. What didn't make sense were the conversations I had with people in the following weeks after I started opening up more about my suicidal thoughts. While in the hospital, my main focus was on strategizing my way out as quickly as possible. I considered my efforts to be a success when I was discharged almost immediately after my 72 hour hold ended. I had convinced the hospital staff and myself that I was no longer an imminent risk, and I went home feeling relieved. I was relieved because I could go back to my normal routine — wake up wishing I hadn't, work through my afternoon day dreaming about ways to kill myself, go to bed glad another day was over, repeat.

During the time after this hospitalization, I had some important conversations with those whom I was closest with. They asked me why I wanted to end my life so desperately, and they asked why just a short time later, I suddenly didn't anymore. I found it difficult to answer them. I've always thought about killing myself, and those thoughts certainly didn't go away after three days of group therapy in a hospital. I explained to my partner and my close friends that on my hardest days I thought every minute about the best way to end my suffering, and I my best days I simply wished I hadn't been born. I struggled to understand why they all didn't understand.

After similar dialogue repeating in conversations with a few people, I realized something that had never occurred to me; many people go months, years, or even their entire lives without considering killing themselves. This was almost shocking to me. Someone asked me if I could remember a time that I didn't want my life to end even just a little bit, and I couldn't. It was explained to me that suicide isn't everyone's "escape plan" like it is mine. I think hearing this was supposed to make me feel hopeful, but it just made me feel broken.

Just over a year later, I experienced my second hospitalization. This time I had come even closer to acting my my suicide plan, and I was also in a psychotic episode. This hospitalization lasted for about a week, and I got a lot more out of it than my first time around. After being discharged, I still thought about suicide a lot, about every half hour in fact. The difference between this time and the last, though, was the fact that I humored the idea that things could improve. I recently started a medication known to reduce suicidal ideation, and it's actually helping a little. I still consider ending my life frequently, but the thoughts aren't as aggressive anymore. Just like my close friends and family have worked to understand my thought process around suicide, I have worked hard to imagine a life that I actually want to live.