On being chronically suicidal

How often do you think about ending your life? Do you ever think about it? I do. A lot. Most days I wake up wishing I hadn't, and I lay in bed imagining what it would be like if I had just simply passed in my sleep. To my dismay, I work to accept the fact that I did in fact wake up, and I have work to get done, so I really need to get a move on things. My days often seem unbearably long, with classes to go to, homework to complete, meetings to host, errands to run, and house chores to finish. Maybe I'll get through some of those tasks during the day, maybe just one, and sometimes none of them will get checked off my to-do list. Sometimes I feel suicidal because my days seem to be never-ending and utterly exhausting. I feel tired in the morning, so I have a cup of coffee, but by the afternoon I need a nap, and by 6pm I'm counting the hours until it's an acceptable time to go to bed. Why continue to live if I'm tired or sleeping all day anyway?

When I'm not feeling down and hopeless, I find myself feeling irritable and angry at the world and society for expecting me to live when I didn't ever ask to be born. People close to me, and even not close to me, think they know better than me, that I'm not in my right mind. Maybe I'm not, but my suffering is still real, and it's a natural thing to want to escape. I feel so much anxiety that I might explode, and I feel restless and unable to sit still. I feel impulsive and like I must act on my pain, and my thoughts are so often in the realm of killing myself, it's hard to say if I'll make it through the day or even the hour. These are the times I know I can't be alone for extended periods, so I go to campus to be surrounded by people living their lives without a second thought about it, or I meet up with a friend to have some mundane conversation. I usually can't bring myself to tell the people close to me that I desperately want to die, so I keep it in.

It's hard being so isolated with my thoughts, but I never know how people are going to react to me saying "hey, I feel like my life is really pointless and painful, so I really want to kill myself." I've had some people give me a blank stare, not knowing what to say, while others jump into problem-solving mode and try to help me feel better as if one conversation will change my mind. Regardless of their reactions, I know the people I tell will worry, and I hate putting that on them. I realized once, on a day that I had made the decision to overdose that night, that I wanted so badly to tell someone about my plan. I had finally decided to end my suffering, and I wanted someone to celebrate with, but obviously if I told someone, my plans would have been thwarted. I didn't end up killing myself that night, and I went into the hospital shortly after, but I felt like I made that decision for other people and not myself.

Don't get me wrong, I don't always want to die. Sometimes I feel excitement, and I plan for my future. I just registered for classes for next semester, and I'm making a schedule that I'm really looking forward to even though my class schedule right now is the current most pressing reason I have to end my life. I also recently qualified to the semifinals for a summer fellowship which I applied to, and while part of me thinks there's no way I'll make it to the summer time, another part is really hoping I get into this program. It's all quite confusing and something I haven't been able to articulate properly. I want to plan for my future happiness, I'm just not happy right now.