Fears I have Living with Mental Illness

Having another episode

I'm afraid of having another episode of psychosis. Research shows that for each psychotic episode a person has, the more treatment resistant that person becomes. Now I don't mean hearing a voice here or seeing a shadow there, I mean a period of time being almost completely out of touch with reality. Times like these are scary, and they put a lot of strain on myself and the people close to me. While experiencing acute psychosis, I find myself constantly confused by the world around me, not knowing what to trust, and I struggle to communicate what I'm feeling. People around me have a hard time knowing how to help, and I'm not a reliable resource for any ideas either.

In addition to fearing a psychotic episode, I also fear an obtrusive mood episode. When I'm manic, impulsivity takes over my being, and I need to run and move constantly no matter the risk. I feel invincible when I'm not, and I don't take the time to listen to those around me. I go days without sleep, so my body craves rest while my mind refuses to stop, and I become agitated. All of this is scary because I put myself at a higher risk of hurting the people close to me. Just like I ignore people's concerns when manic, I ignore people's encouragement when depressed. Depression might scare me the most because I become completely empty and hollow, retracting from the world. It is almost impossible to convince me that anything has any meaning, and my thoughts get darker and darker, persisting more each day. I fail to recognize the things I'm grateful for.

Being hospitalized again

During almost every appointment with my therapist, I fear that I will say something to make her place me on a hold again. I have a lot of trauma from my hospitalization; for months after being released, I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking I was still there, or I would have dreams that I was stuck walking around the never ending loop of the psychiatric ward. While in the hospital, I felt such a loss of my autonomy. As someone who strives to have total control, it was hard having my belongings stripped from me, having my rights taken away. It felt demeaning to be given only children's markers to write with and to have my shoes taken from me. The whole experience is one that I wish to never have again.

Letting my compulsions take over my life

I have OCD. Along with that come the obsessions and compulsions. My obsessions, or intrusive thoughts, cause me a great amount of anxiety, and the compulsions I perform relieve that anxiety. I probably spend about an hour or two each day performing compulsions, washing my hands until I feel just right, tapping a can seven times before opening it, counting the stairs in my house for the millionth time. My fear is that doing these tasks will some day overtake all of my time to the point where I am unable to do anything else. Maybe someday I will be doing something until it feels "right", but what if it never feels right and I can never be done?

Not finishing my Bachelor's degree

One of my most prominent goals in life is to receive a Bachelor's degree. I am currently a little more than half way through my engineering degree, and the end is in sight. I am afraid that my treatment won't work well sufficiently to alleviate my symptoms enough for me to continue studying. When my symptoms are at their worst, it takes all of my energy to care for myself, and I have none left to work on outside tasks. I also worry about the cognitive ramifications of my illness. Psychotic disorders can, in some cases, be more accurately categorized as brain diseases, and the brain construction can be altered. My cognitive impairment could some day cause me to not understand or retain information.

Suicide

I fear that suicide will some day be so tempting that I feel I have no other choice than to try it. I have felt the desperation to end my life before, seeing no other way out of my suffering. My suicide would be so harmful to my family and those close to me. It would perpetuate the idea that ending one's own life is an option. It would certainly prevent me from achieving my goals.

Becoming a stereotype

What do you imagine when you think of a generic person with Schizophrenia? Do you picture a successful engineer and a reliable friend and partner? Probably not. I fear that I will become a local homeless person, rambling nonsense to myself on the streets. I fear that I will push my friends and family away and be completely alone and beyond help. To live a life of suffering, unaware of resources, cut short by suicide, is not the way I want to live. I want to be loving and compassionate, not violent and full of rage, which is not statistically what people with psychotic disorders are like, but it is what stigma causes people to imagine they are. I am afraid I will end up reenforcing the stigma around mental illness instead of standing up to it.